What is your worst nightmare? I don’t have many choices when it comes to nightmares because I only knew of one nightmare for a long time. I have had the same pattern of nightmares since I was a child. In those nightmares, I was chased by something or some people who were trying to harm me in various ways. So I ran the whole night long. The earliest time I remember having this nightmare was when I was about seven years old, and I was chased by power rangers (wow, what a betrayal! I adored you!!). Power rangers or monsters were no longer chasing me as I grew up, but I was still running the whole night over and over from other dangers. Some tried to kill, some tried to rape, and in some dreams, I didn’t even know what I was running from...I just ran to survive the whole night.
Sometimes, I wonder why I have been having the same kind of nightmares for over 30 years. Then, I let go of those thoughts because more important things in my life needed my attention than silly nightmares. Although I sometimes woke up sweating, tears and completely exhausted, I thought it was not a big deal. They weren't even real...it's just a dream. I decided to keep moving forward with my busy life, ignoring those little bumps along the way like silly nightmares...until I could not move forward anymore.
A few years ago, I was in a place where I couldn't move forward. It felt like the ground I was standing on sank, and I felt stuck. I eventually realized that the only way to move was inward, not forward. That’s how I started my journey of walking toward my heart with the help of others who created space for me to explore in the presence of gentle love. As I travelled through many hidden valleys in my heart, those nightmares caught my attention again. I wondered what those dreams were trying to tell me about myself.
And finally, I noticed what those dreams were trying to tell me. I realized that there was one thing in those dreams which had never changed during all these years;
I was alone. I ran alone.
I was always running alone. Dangers which I was running away from were always different but I was always alone in those dreams. There was no one there to help me.
“I am alone when I am in danger.”
I realized that this is what I believed deep in my heart, which I had been unaware of for a long time. There were times in my childhood when I was in trouble, and there was no one to help me, though I cried out for help. From these experiences, I might have started to believe that there wouldn’t be anyone to help me from my suffering. I realized that this belief had formed my defence system, and it had been affecting every relationship around me, including my understanding of God.
Interestingly, I stopped having those nightmares from the day I just realized that I was alone in those dreams. Those nightmares never came back since. Huh. It almost seemed like these dreams were waiting for me until I noticed how I was alone in those dreams. So, once I noticed, it had fulfilled its mission and was gone. I wonder if those dreams were not there to harm me but rather trying to ask help; waiting for me to notice it.
When I shared this with my spiritual director, she asked me,
"Is it possible that you, in your nightmare, were not alone anymore at the moment you noticed that she was alone?"
Indeed, ‘I’ who was alone in those dreams was finally noticed and seen by me after 30 plus years since she started to run alone. At that moment, I told her, "Hey, I see you running alone." she was not alone anymore because I saw her.
I noticed her; thus, she was no longer alone.
The funny thing is, not that long after I noticed how I was alone in those dreams, I had a dream that I was chased again and ran the whole night again. However, I was not alone. I was with other people together. When I woke up, I shouted joyfully, ' I was not alone! We were running together!' Then, I was never chased in my dreams again from that day so far.
In this journey of offering Spiritual direction, what I found to be the most challenging was the helplessness I felt when I heard about someone’s pain in their life that I couldn’t fix. However, when I reflect on my old nightmares and how they had gone, it made me think about the power of ‘being there with someone’ and letting them know that ‘I see you.’
To me, at least, that was the first step I needed to be healed from my trauma, which made me believe that I was alone and there was no one to help me. Spiritual direction teaches me the power of ‘being there’ with others's stories. Instead of being rushed to pour out all my ways to help them, all I might need to do is to let them know that 'I am here and I see you.' I see your pain. I see your heart. You are truly noticed’.
I am filled with hope when I imagine how powerful it would be if one truly knows with all one's heart how God has been already with them. What power and healing could it bring to our hearts when we know how God truly sees us in every moment, especially in those moments when we are running the whole night alone?